After the success of FxFF 2014, I decided to up the awesomeness and make an even better event in 2015. I even bought the domain.
Here’s the event announcement.
FREE BY FREE FREE 2015!!!!
That’s right, this UNREAL UNOFFICIAL SXSW PARTY has FREE EVERYTHING!
FREE: beer, tacos, firearms, bqq, ice cream, whiskey drones, caricatures done by homeless kittens, vintage Italian luggage, celebrity-themed sock swap, sheep herding lessons, tweeting hoverboards, ninja donuts and way more!
Come on down to our secret venue and enjoy a solid week of free beer, booze and micheladas made out of the Queen’s favorite chili powder (wink wink) and limes grown organically from seed in low-altitude orbit!
HERE”S JUST SOME OF WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT!!!
Edward Snowden and Robert DeNiro will sharing a special Malaysian typewriter to write you love poems on heads of cabbage! We have ¼-scale “Jeopardy!” set run entirely by llamas! James Earl Jones and Dolly Parton will be doing a live-action version of The Lego Movie using only snapchat and fart noises! Gordon Ramsey will be here dressed up as vampire Barney! We’ve got candied apples made by mildly humored Colombian raccoons dressed as Kim Kardashian.
WHO LIKES COFFEE? We’ve got 200 hundred insulated free-trade kiddie pools filled with boiling hot coffee where you can go bobbing for sapphire-encrusted travel mugs autographed by camels!
Did someone say CAMELS?? We have the world’s largest cigarette – almost THREE FEET in diameter and TWENTY FEET LONG! Get together with a group of your 30 most carefree friends and take the drag of your life! We need you to because the heat from the tip keeps our fortune-telling fondue pot warm!
We’ve got a dunking booth filled with chunks of bologna and secretly camouflaged it as one of our FIFTY stages of live music.
Bring your favorite tracking numbers because your FedEx questions will be answered by an old-timey refrigerator dressed up as God!! Warren Buffett will be setting up a table to do your taxes! A small pigeon with a credit card will be buying all attendees one of EVERYTHING on Amazon.com – WITH GIFTWRAP!
Jump into one of our mystery tanks! Is that horse gravy or a melted shoe store? Guess right and you can go home with the WHOLE TANK!
And what FREE party would be complete without Lucha Libre by Libre Libre! Not only will there be 16 rings of Mexican Professional Wrestling (some with Anacondas!), but there will be ONE GIANT RING around the whole party! You’ll never have to wait your turn to be pile-drivered by surprise!
There will be a three-story warehouse turned into a ball pit where the balls are Cadbury crème eggs and hand grenades that explode into tiny pizzas! The U.S. swim team from the 1952 Helsinki Summer Games will be there to show you how it all works!
Our video booth will take your image and Photoshop into EVERY SINGLE OSCAR WINNING MOVIE IN THE LAST FIFTY YEARS. And not just as the hero – you will be ALL the characters, plus some of the furniture and most of the lightbulbs and fruit!
BUT WILL IT BE TEXAS??? OF COURSE IT WILL BE TEXAS!!
WE WILL HAVE A STAMPEDE OF 10,000 CATTLE! Try to smash one of the 10,000 piñatas tied around their heads — they are filled with Apple Watches and red skittles! And don’t forget Cactus Valley!! EVERY SINGLE CACTUS NEEDLE has a FREE LOADED GUN on it! Did we mention that the whole valley floor is made of oiled ice?? Bang bang pardner! Did someone say barbecue? Forget waiting 2 to 3 hours on Franklin’s sidewalk! OUR sidewalk is MADE OF BRISKET!
MORE ANNOUNCEMENTS COMING SOON. FOLLOW US!